Losses are an inevitable and a constant occurrence in our lives, and our responses to loss play an important part in our well-being. The importance of the grieving process is rarely understood, because most of us try to rush through those feelings that accompany loss.

But rushing through grief is a mistake, and we pay the price, inevitably. When the feelings of grief are not fully felt and metabolized, they linger. The unfelt pain, anger, fear, loneliness and sadness is experienced in the body as a physical symptom: headache, ulcer, back pain, digestive disorders, muscular tension, insomnia, etc. Or the feelings can manifest as depression, a lingering melancholia that we never seem to bounce back from. Or they can surface as an alternative emotional syndrome, like the inability to love again (this often occurs when a person does not fully mourn the death or departure of his or her partner). Or they can manifest in a belief, such as "Love isn’t worth it; the loved one always dies or goes away."

Grieving is so difficult because it involves not just one, but MANY feelings. And the feelings are intense, long-lasting and sometimes very disorganizing. The recipe for grieving is sort of like this: Take one part of each of the following: denial, rage and anger, terror, sadness, pain, disorganization. Mix together, all at the same time. Jump in.

One woman who recently lost her father said that it was as if someone took her psychically by the throat and shook her up and down, and tossed her on the ground, saying, "Ok, deal with that!" This woman had done a lot of emotional work on her relationship with her father and EVEN THEN, she was amazed at the intensity and length of the grieving process. With a parent’s death, it is always more complicated. This is because when a parent dies, we lose not only the parent we had, but also we lose the parent we never had, the parent we wished we’d had, the fantasy of the perfect parent we wanted. Often when a parent dies, we re-experience the early messages that we got from that parent, and we must deal not only with the parent’s death, but with the old message, which we may have thought was gone! The woman above, a successful middle-aged professional, spent 6 months following her father’s death dealing with feelings of worthlessness and inadequacy. Her father’s message to her was largely, "You don’t count."

Because grief is so difficult and misunderstood, there are many myths about it. Here are a few of them:

• "You never recover from a major loss such as death." In fact, you can recover a full life after a major loss of any kind.
• "Time is the only healer of grief." It is true that it takes time to grieve. But it also takes hard work, self-examination, reaching out, feeling.
• "If you love someone too much, your grief will be worse." The truth is, the more you loved someone and the better your relationship was with someone who has died or left, the more satisfying your grief work can be.
• "No one else can help you with your grief." Many people can help you with your grief, and especially those people who have gone through similar losses. Groups like MADD, and other support groups are miraculously effective in helping others.
• "The death of a spouse is easier to handle than a divorce." Grief that follows divorce is similar in many ways and different in many ways from grief following death. But it is every bit as painful. It is wise to remember that grief cannot be compared, and that THE WORST GRIEF IS YOURS.
• "Your loss was God’s will and you should not question it." Rather to think that it is never God’s will that you suffer or that your loved one suffer or die. Death and loss are a part of this mortal life.
• "If you keep busy, your grief will go away." Not true! If you keep too busy to face your feelings and avoid talking about them, you subject yourself to a higher risk of illness following a major loss! One woman who flooded herself with activity following her husband’s death looked great and sounded great, but she was unable to connect on any emotional level, even 10 years later. She had become a robot.

Here are some of the symptoms of grief:

• Physical symptoms: tightness in the throat, heaviness in the chest, emptiness in stomach,
• Feelings of guilt at times, and anger at other times,
• Feeling restless, but finding it difficult to concentrate,
• Feeling as though the loss is not real, that it did not actually happen,
• Sensing the loved one’s presence, like expecting them to walk through the door,
• Wandering aimlessly around, forgetting things, being unable to finish what they start,
• Having difficulty sleeping; dreaming of the lost one,
• Assuming mannerisms and traits of the loved one,
• Feeling angry at the loved one for leaving,
• Feeling guilty or angry over things that happened or didn’t happen with the loved one,
• Needing to tell and retell things about the loved one, and the experience of the death,
• Feeling their mood change over the slightest thing; crying at unexpected times.

There are others, of course, but perhaps you recognize yourself in some of these.

There are certain things that tend to go on during grief, and these have been widely spoken about. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross set forth the contemporary theory of grief. She suggested the 4 phases of grief: The first is denial, when we react with the feeling of "No, it’s not true!" This often occurs when we are stunned with a sudden diagnosis, or news about a loss. One woman refused to "let in" that she really had cancer, and did not tell her family. No one knew she was dying of cancer until she was actually on her death bed. Sometimes you hear about a parent who maintains a dead child’s bedroom exactly as it had been during the child’s life, as a sort of "shrine" to the child. Denial is powerful, and stops all processing, boom, like that.

The second aspect identified by Kubler-Ross is rage. "This isn’t fair", "how can I have cancer? I am too young", "why did I have a miscarriage, I don’t even have one child yet" "why did god take my husband; what am I going to do now?" "It’s not fair that my dog died; I loved her so much!" Anger is a normal part of grief, and must be experienced. We may also experience a third thing, bargaining. Sometimes this is subtle, but we try to bargain with God. "God, if you just let him live, I’ll never do this-or-that again." "If you just let me have this baby, I’ll give money to this-or-that." "If you just bring him back to me, I’ll never complain again." Sometimes, all these three things are jumbled up together, and we just bounce around, from one out-of-control state to the next.

The final phase is acceptance, and this can occur in lucid moments between the other times, or it may occur more easily, or perhaps never at all. In acceptance, we come to see that we have to deal with the situation, whether we like it or not, whether it is fair or not, whether we deserve it or not, whether we are ready or not. Whether we become a "grief survivor" or a grief casualty depends a great deal on how we handle our own grief.

Here are a few suggestions on what you can do to help yourself in the difficult work of grief:

• Don’t let others rush you. Take the time you need to work through your feelings.
• Put off major decisions; grieving is a time of instability.
• Avoid the temptation to numb your pain with alcohol or drugs.
• Understand that you will have good days and bad days. Don’t be surprised by backsliding, especially during times of special significance, holidays, birthdays, "firsts."
• Crying is the healthiest expression of grief. Don’t try to suppress tears for the sake of others.
• Remembering is a healthy way of mourning. Look at photos and savor your memories.
• Seek out friends and relatives who allow you to talk and remember.
• Ask for what you need from people who offer their help.
• Let yourself "convalesce." Watch your diet, rest and exercise. Be attentive to your own health, as your immune system is suppressed during grieving.

Some people come through grief better than others. Yes, it is true that some people suffer more and have a tougher time. Much has to do with attitude. Believe it or not, the one thing that all grief survivors tend to have in common is a simple thing: the belief that they will make it through, that it will work out ok. But there are many other survivor attitudes which can help you. Things like, "I will examine the future." "I will not be defeated." "I will take advantage of available opportunities." "There is still time for me." "There must be some meaning to be found in this event." "I will not assume a victim posture." "I will accept life’s challenge." –These attitudes are useful in helping all of us greet the challenges of life, no matter what the hardships or losses have been.

Survivors plan ahead whenever possible; in the event of sickness, potential divorce, etc., they have a plan in mind. Survivors are not complainers; they find a way to express negative feelings, and they proceed to do and act. They draw upon the resources inside. They take responsibility for making their lives livable and rewarding; in the face of a challenge, they work to overcome the environment or whatever impairs them. They enjoy life at times, even while hurting. There is an ability to see humor in a situation or laugh at themselves. They find a way to gain from misfortune something of benefit to themselves and others. They have lots of determination, and they work hard on their own recovery. They set about improving things, setting things right, and they learn to be flexible in order to work out their own happy endings. Perhaps you can see an emerging attitude here: survivors know that they will be ok, and that they are responsible to make it ok! And then they do it.

On the other hand, some of the behaviors which point to a poor outcome include: excessive drinking or eating; being accident prone; developing chronic health problems, like asthma, ulcers or allergies; insomnia; overspending; entering into an abusive relationship; engaging in compulsive care-giving; rejecting close and healthy relationships; fantasizing about suicide; resenting other’s happiness to such a degree that s/he behaves spitefully; being plagued by guilt or anger; lacking all powers of concentration; and perceiving himself or herself as a burden to others.

If you recognize yourself in these behaviors, you need to start to work on your impacted grief. Find a therapist, a support group at a local hospital, start to write in your journal, take care of your health, get exercise ... WAKE UP.

You will know you are emerging from grief successfully when you can begin to answer "yes" to these questions:

• Am I able to integrate moderately into social situations?
• Am I able to talk about my loved one without experiencing disabling pain or despair?
• Can I perform my job and concentrate on the task at hand?
• Are my dreams of my loved one often pleasant and reassuring?
• Do I enjoy close relationships with other people?
• Am I genuinely interested in other things and other people?
• Am I able to smile and laugh without feeling guilty?

When you are healing successfully, your life has a purpose, a future and you have an appreciation for your own humanity. The same things which made you feel deep grief also make your life worthwhile, and something to be treasured. To love well is to grieve well ... to have a life without grief, you would have to live without love. Not such a great alternative.

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